i don't know if i've ever gone this long without writing an entry. i have so many diaries now though, it's hard to keep track. i'll try to make this semi-decent, but not depressing.
it is nice out today, but i'm wondering why i still keep pitas. i already have a pitas, another brown leather one journal, and at least a dozen notebooks, one of which i try to write in once a day, and a FOD. is there something wrong with me? it's weird that i document my life, and that i feel obligated to. maybe my subconcious feels i have reason to. should i stop this? i should probably step back and examine my priorities. i hate leaving things unfinished, but i always do. where do we go from here? why is it coming out all weird? where are you now...hehe. radiohead lyrics. see, i still carry myself around. i'll be back in a little while if i do decide to keep this, but i doubt it. i'm sorry. maybe a little to myself, maybe more to everyone else. i don't know why i care what everyone thinks. (another reason why i write so excessively, probably) maybe i should just lay off the journaling for a little while. my head hurts and i have homework to do. i miss me, and i miss everybody else, too.

my entry title sounds like chicken wings, hm? anyway I'm listening to a really crappy version of it. my tummy hurts, by the way. and I'm sorry for not updating, my loyal two readers. :) I always get around to writing this late so they come out like shit.
today was cool. mom and I went to nahant in the morning and got bagels and such. the mornings always start with argument and I learn to let go of grudges and just let her be her. I find I would like her much more if she wasn't my mother. then I came back home to my darling and soon my other best friend arrived too. we hung out for a while and I talked with isaac on the phone for a while before babysitting. silly lawn mowers and stupid dogs are the conversation treats.
then I went babysitting. and returned back with 18 dollars in my butterfly hoodie pocket and a worried disposition. momma wasn't home. apparently she went bra and shoe shopping. hey, everyone needs a scary momma. by the way, this week in the mornings she and I are going to get up early (oh. great.) and watch the sunrises. which is technically not going to happen, seeing as the sun rises at 5:30 and we're leaving at 6. also, I'm incredibly happy that this week is only 4 days and after that is vacation. maybe I don't deserve it but I really want this break. I hate school.
yesterday mom and I went out to dinner at little cafe called cafe armante. lots of discussion over how I hate school (see above paragraph) and spreading ashes and isaac and summer schedules and stuff like that. during dessert I didn't look at her, just blinked a lot and fiddled with my ice cream. the sun was in my eyes the whole time. I suppose I could use that as an excuse. but if I had been alone I think I might have cried.
wow. funny how I can turn almost every entry into a depressing one. hehe. anyway, I'm okay. dave is screaming and I'm going to hunt down a girl with no name. but the moonlight is lighting up my path as I walk home in the deserted streets and I know that things are going to be all right.

okay. you know what I said last time, that it was starting to look like spring? okay. well. erase that from the picture. it is going to snow tomorrow, I do believe the sky will bleed white and we will scamper around in winter coats for the second time this 'spring'. I just hope it's all worth it. that our summer will be warm. (there is a theory that when north america has a hot summer, europe has a cold one, and vis versa. it supposedly alternates every year. but I'm not going across the pond this time. alas, there are much better things that will visit me here, at home.
reading old conversations and entries makes me nostalgic. everything is in the need to be updated but once I go and try to write my fingers just stop...pressing these keys that define my existence. I've written lots of tidbits of poetry and prose on forgotten faded yellow post it notes, but they add up to nothing. it's like zero plus three hundred times zero.
this entry is going no where. it was interrupted by another thought on a different entry. I'm strange. I know. and I like it. I'm up late and happy. I'm eating and not fat. there is good shit in this world. and yes, there is pain too but I know that if he holds me I'm always okay.
it's nice to have guarentees like that. more entries later, I hope. I gotsa go to bed.

it's starting to look more like spring. or summer. it's getting very close to the brink of warmth. lately the temperatures have been high (and war-protesting - the '60s.) lots of war protesting now too. funny little oxymorons though. if you're an anti-war protestor, are you protesting the war, or anti-war protestors? oh, could I have been lost in paris.
strange dreams lately. I'm dreaming every night. if you remember your dreams, aren't you at least some bit awake? I have too many questions now, don't I. maybe I should inject a few more statements into my entries now; how my life is, not how I want it to be. ah. realism.
last night was thoroughly enjoyable. my brother and his girlfriend were home, but I still got to talk on the phone with my baby. he played gee-tar for me and sang with his sweet seductive voice. yeah yeah, it was only supposed to be one song but I can get him to do more. hehe. so this afternoon (I didn't get up until twelve anyway) I went and downloaded shirts & gloves. pretty song. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year... dashboard confessional is soft, but powerful. more than gentle vulgar can be (read: elliot smith.) lots of music. funny how there are tons of musicians in the world. everyone likes music. well, except andre. oh well.
the yard across the street always has pine needles on its lawn. a permanent shimmering orange, all year round. I'm not sure if that's good or not. remembering halloween. anniversary soon, monday. imagine that, 5 months. time is not just time, it actually means something now, and I quote amanda on that.
someone tells me I am not amazing, but that I am brutally honest. that is much better, don't I think? I don't know.
can't remember the last time I actually thought. politics hurt my head.
social life at school is up and down. rumors flying but I seem to have some power in my "friends". but I don't think my world's going to come crashing down. I've just to keep my head high.
remember. the winter is over, there is no more ice to break. all I think the water is going to do is melt. why won't you run into the rain, and play, let tears splash all over you?

I like the way the rain tastes tonight. it smells of fresh grass, a scent i have not taken in for a long while. I realize now that the worst part of the winter is over, one of the worst times of my life is now over. I have gotten past the gates and out into the world. walking to the appointment today, the wind blowing my hair in the way I like it most. backpack light, few worries. even the phone bill that came today did not shock me. no electricity through my hair (it's better naturally dried.)
the minutes are going by way too quickly today. one minute I'm home the next I'm awake another I'm at school and finally I'm home again, then at school and home and on and on. all in what feels like 5 minutes.
didn't go biking today. yesterday I biked 2 miles, and the day before that about one. this is good, I need to burn calories, otherwise i'll be gaining weight. bleh. (and look, I'm eating a cupcake right now.)
school life is getting better. elizabeth and I have political discussions at lunch (my head does not hurt as much), susan is kinky, madeline's still a bitch but a friendlier one, and jinjian's quiet but I can get her to open up and laugh. grades fluctuate. got a 71 on my math test but I'm doing great in other subjects. I'm thinking about writing an editorial for the school newspaper. I have a topic but I don't know yet...or maybe I'm just lazy. hehe. that's probably it.
so anyway. amanda came back from a long dry spell of being away. not her fault, of course, (damn technology) but I missed her. needed a girl around, someone closer than my mom or friends at school.
but there's that little candle in the wind. I've got to stop worrying so much. he and I have a love so strong. but sometimes I feel like the slightest breeze can put us out. I guess there are (wet) matches everywhere, though. squinting over his shoulder. liking the way the rain tastes on his neck. these are my favorite things.
.spring.is.here. I hope the weather lasts.